Four Communication Tips

I think it’s accurate to say that one of the fundamental factors that shapes your life is the relationships you have with other people.

Now when you consider that the quality of every relationship, whether transitory or long term, is influenced by your communication skills it makes one thing obvious; improving your communication skills can improve your life.

The great thing about improving your communication skills is that you get lots of chances to practise. Like improving any skill it does take time, diligence and effort. Fortunately the rewards can come quickly particularly with people you spend a lot of time with.

True communication empowers relationships and enriches lives. I truly hope that the following suggestions take you some way forward on that journey.

Maintain their self esteem - There are times when you have to point out the errors that someone has made. What makes for powerful communication is to do this whilst maintaining the person’s self esteem. This is something that many parents fail at; consider the difference between the following statements:

“You stupid boy! Look at what you’ve done!”

“That was stupid! Look at what you’ve done!”

In the first example a statement was made about the child’s intelligence – a statement that when said often enough will lower their self esteem. The second statement referred to the act they committed rather than the person’s character.

Because a person has committed a stupid or idiotic act does not make them stupid or idiotic and making them think that they are does no good. Better to maintain their self esteem whilst pointing out their errors.

The example above it taken from the world of parent and child however consider in what manner you point out the errors of the people you know, whether at work or home. Do you criticise them or their actions; and which one did you really mean to criticise?

And indeed which would be more constructive to criticise?

Communication is about the response it illicits - It really doesn’t matter what you meant to say it’s actually about what the other person heard and felt. Consider those times when you have given instructions or made requests of people and been met with resistance or hostility. From your point of view it might well be unreasonable but for the other person or persons it was reasonable. It was their genuine reaction to your communication.

When giving instructions or making a request a good communicator will strive to convey a message in a way so that the other person will follow the instructions in the emotional manner in which it was intended. That takes more thought and skill than simply barking an order.

Consider that the other person’s reaction is more often the result of the communication than the content and you will realise that a) you can influence the outcome and b) you are largely responsible for the outcome!

You will be misunderstood - No matter how good you are at conveying information or requests sometimes you will be misunderstood.

Good communicators therefore endeavour to ensure that the lines of communication are open enough so that if people are confused or upset by what they have said or done that a query can come back. This way misunderstandings can be cleared up rather than being allowed to fester.

Just think about how many family arguments could have been avoided if a minor misunderstanding could have been cleared away before the other person dwelt on it for days or longer!

Equally accepting that sometimes you will be understood keeps you on your toes and helps you remember to strive for clarity in your communication. Also when it does happen the fact that you accept it will happen at some times tends to make the misunderstanding less confusing and stressful.

Every piece of communication builds or reduces your reputation – there are no casual conversations in business. It’s an arena where one off-the-cuff comment can ruin a career or relationship. Don’t get paranoid but do get careful. People get judged by the content and manner of their communication at work and it is important to maintain the reputation you want at all times.

The higher up the career ladder you go or the more of an advisory your role is the greater your reputation must be maintained. Genuine consistency is the best way forward and always remember that if you say it, someone will hear it and someone will remember it. If you don’t want that to happen then keep quiet!

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As always I trust you found the above blog of interest and practical use. Communication is an art form that we can all benefit from improving.

Until next time; be successful communicating!

Regards

Stephen

Trainer, Coach, Public Speaker

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Coming next on edenchanges.com – Inspirational Dissatisfaction and how it can help you become a better sales person! Blog to be posted later this week!

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 We would be delighted to discuss your communication, or other corporate training or coaching needs so call us, or email us, today to discuss:

International: +44 1757 249 380 UK: 01757 249 390

Email: enquiries@edenchanges.com

The Art of Silence in the Corporate World

Silence is your secret weapon in the corporate world.

Senior managers and directors, contrary to what many inexperienced business people feel, want their people to say less.

What they would really like is for their people to say the right thing, then go and do it!

We live in a world of information overload and time is being squeezed from all directions. In the corporate world less is truly more when it comes to business people chattering away.

Yet silence is something that a lot of people struggle with; equating silence with weakness. With many people thinking, “if I was really sharp and clever I’d always have something to say. People expect people to talk so I’d better say something. . .”

Sadly the consequence of this is a litany of pointless, half hearted and half thought through statements that doesn’t aid the situation at hand but rather obscures it. Worse still some of those half baked statements then get acted upon with, shall we say, questionable results!

So let’s explore this issue and see if indeed there is strength, and wisdom, in silence. . .

When no one is listening say nothing

 There are occasions where you will have something to share that actually no one else cares about hearing. It might be that you would have an audience later but at that moment in time people really are doing other things and don’t want to hear what it is you have to say. This is definitely a moment to remain silent.

Sure it can be disappointing. you have something you want to share but communication is about timing as well as content. If your current audience doesn’t want to hear right now perhaps they will later. And if not then find a different audience for that discussion.

Create space for ideas to grow

I’ve been in lots of board meetings where people clearly felt the need to quick fire ideas.  Now there is a place for that. And there is also a place for sitting there and thinking through the ramifications of ideas, taking ideas mulling them over and then putting forward a view.

In my experience managing directors and CEO’s would rather hear a great idea in a moment or two than an average idea instantly.

Have the strength to say that you are thinking through a point. You will be respected for that.

Control the situation

Being silent can give you control of a situation. By being silent you often force other people to speak. This can result in them saying more than they intended. This then give you more information to work with. Also it gives you a change to time your comments more effectively.

Also assuming you can be comfortable in your silence you will give off a thoughtful air and one of mastery of the situation. The other person, who is jabbering away, is the person people will perceive as weak or flustered.

Enables you to actively listen

One of the first thing you learn as a business coach is to stay silent whilst the other person is speaking. You are taught this for a number of reasons and one of the key ones is it enables you to listen properly. Proper listening, or active listening, is really focusing on what the person is saying, and not saying. By intentionally being silent, you can concentrate on actively listening to their words, tone, pitch andthe other subtle verbal clues they will be giving off.

Equally you will be able to observe their body language, possibly giving you a truer meaning of their statements than their words alone!

 In summary

I hope you can see that there is strength and wisdom in moments of silence. A few seconds can be all it takes to turn what would have been an average thought into a brilliant one. Give yourself that time. Impress your bosses and achieve your potential! 

Until next time

Stephen Hart

Trainer, Coach, Public Speaker

Based in the UK; Working Globally

Thanks to Natasaa for the photo 

http://natasaa.deviantart.com/

How To Become A Jedi Master Part 1

How To Become a Jedi Master Part 1

I have a dear friend who tells me that I am too serious and that I need to relax and be more of myself. Which just goes to prove that she has met me!

So as a personal development specialist who is also a sci-fi fan let me offer the first in a light hearted series of notes entitled:

“How to be a Jedi master.”

Oh come on it was a no brainer really wasn’t it. I saw Star Wars when I was seven and I always wanted to be a Jedi knight. Now that I know some techniques that come very close to Jedi mind tricks it seems like fun to share them with you…oh and I’m not making this stuff up. Everything I am going to share works and comes from either the world of NLP (neuro linguistic programming) or similar psychologically based disciplines. So I invite you to read on and “Learn how to be a Jedi master!”

Let’s start with mind control – the famous scene in the first star wars movie features obi-wan kenobi telling the storm troopers that “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for”. He then suggest to the troopers that “They can move on.” which then the troopers tell him to do and thus he and his group escape capture.

So how great would it be to able to do that…to influence another person’s thinking in the direction you wanted…well here’s the thing; you can. And it’s pretty easy.

Let me show you…by asking you one question…and consider the answer as you read the question…

“Your mother. Your mother what’s her first name?”

Okay so do you have a picture of your mother in your head now, or did you when you thought of the answer to the question?

let’s try another one…again consider the answer as you read…

“Your front door. The front door; of your house, flat or apartment…what colour is it?”

Again do you have an image of your front door in your mind, or did you when you thought of the answer to the question?

I’m going to stick my neck out as assume that you did. (This is a lot harder to do on paper and so much easier to do verbally!)

Now how it works is very simple, yet it highlights a fundamental fact about how the human brain works; “labels”. You see the brain is hard wired to generalise and assign labels to things. When you are young you learn that small, squeaking creatures are called ‘mice’ yet not all small squeaking creatures are mice, which you learn later, so your brain has to do some translation work when presented with something small and squeaking; literally is it or is it not a mouse. And when you see the word ‘mouse’ you think of something that your brain has labelled as a mouse, whether that is a white mouse, brown one, cartoon one or whatever.

In short when you are presented with a label your brain rushes off to access a meaning for the label, which means that when you present a label to someone you literally mind control them for a split second to think about what you want them to think about. Which is why the label in the examples above were written as they were – label first! I could have asked:

“What is the name of your mother?” but that isn’t as effective as trigger the label of mother first and then asking the question. I could get technical and explain why this works on at least two levels but this is supposed to be a light weight article not a thesis so let me press on with why this might be of interest to you…

Let’s say you want to have a conversation with an attractive woman or man at the bar…how about…

changing the old “Can I buy you a drink?” (a very weak line for so many reasons!) to “You’re favourite drink, what would that be?”

Note the delivery is important in particular put the emphasis on ‘You’re’ and pause at the comma.

taking it further…

“You have beautiful eyes.” to “You’re eyes, they’re very beautiful.”

and even better and using some other psychology…

“You’re eyes; they’re a beautiful shade of blue”
(obviously assuming here they are blue)

Putting the ‘You’re’ first triggers association and sends the signal that the message is personal to them and about them. And the above example contained Jedi mind trick number two – make compliments specific. The more specific and personal to the individual that you are speaking to the more impact it will have psychological.

…hey try it out…nothing ventured nothing gained

Now whether using this technique to attract the opposite sex is going to the dark side is something I can’t answer!

You can use it in lots of situations to direct people’s thoughts. If nothing else it is a great way of getting someone’s attention diverted to the thing you want to talk about. Throw out a label, give them a second to consider it then ask your question. It works in

Next time; how possibility allows you to influence events…

Or in other words…once she (or he) has told you what their favourite drink is, how to get them to let you buy them one

Until next time;

Stephen

Stephen Hart

The second part of this blog is now done and can be found at:

http://edenchanges.wordpress.com/2008/09/26/how-to-be-a-jedi-master-part-2

The full size original of the brilliant Jedi painting used at the start of this blog can be found at :

http://saehral.deviantart.com/art/Painty-Jedi-36127695

and is used by kind permission of the artist – thanks Britt!